No Disrespect

Diagonally across from my house is a gas station. They tell me it’s the cheapest gas in the neighborhood and it stays pretty busy. I usually go on Sunday mornings on my way to church but this week, out of necessity, I went on Saturday morning. My normal routine: check surroundings, grab debit card, get out, lock doors, quickly insert card, select gas and pump. Unlock only the drivers side door so no one sneaks in on the other side. Get inside car, lock doors, put card away and wait. This time as I was waiting a young man walked aggressively to my car, yelling at the woman who dropped him off. He walked up to the pump, crosses over it and stood behind my car. I thought his behavior was odd but I also thought he was holding a spot so his female companion could drive around the tiny area to get to the pump behind me. But no! He was cussing at me! Whud I do? I heard him say he was gonna pull this $&@#* out (talking about pulling the gas pump out of my car). As I’m getting out of the car he asks me if I’m sure the gas was mine and said he left $20 in the pump. I respond “Yeah it’s mine.” But as soon as we lock eyes his entire demeanor changes and he says “never mind, my bad”. I told him he needed to go talk to the guy inside. He walks past me and starts heading to the inside of the station, the whole time saying “no disrespect ma’am”. At that point I realized I left my keys in the car so I bent down to get them. When I popped my head back up he was still yelling “no disrespect” to me. 

Now I’m a very slow processor so it wasn’t until several hours later that I realized that altercation could have gone south just as fast as it escalated. I don’t know what changed his demeanor toward me so quickly. Was my mean mug super strong that morning? I hadn’t even been awake an hour and I was in a bad mood so that’s plausible. Maybe the Jersey girl came out without my knowing (I try to keep her locked away!) Maybe he thought I was reaching back into my car to pull out a gun…because disputes in the hood tend to end with violence. 

I am reading a book called “Code of the Street” by Elijah Anderson. There is a chapter that talks about ‘street’ people and ‘decent’ people. The author discusses the difference between the way in which each type of people responds to conflict. Typically street people respond with violence while decent people respond with talk, unless they have to use violence to protect themselves. I like to think of myself as ‘decent people’ and I prefer not to label this young man as ‘street people’, but his behavior puts him in that category. It’s quite possible that he is a ‘decent people’ who has learned that to earn respect on the streets you have to present yourself as being tough. Either way, RESPECT is a valuable commodity on the streets. Sometimes it’s all a person has to hold on to. To some it’s worth fighting for. 

I have the honor to be a part of a ministry that is working to help change the culture of violence in our neighborhood. We will empower people with alternatives ways to handle conflict and help people deal with anger issues. While respect is important, VALUE is greater. We will teach our kids, teens and adults to value one another, which begins with understanding our own value as declared by God. Imagine how much a community could be transformed if people saw value in themselves and in others. I’m not speaking of an absence of conflict, because that’s not possible. I am speaking of people who no longer respond to conflict with anger and aggression. People who don’t need to say “no disrespect” after disrespect has happened, because they would have entered into the conflict saying “you are valued”.